So to start the year right, I am now decluttering all the bad vibes and pain I've been through for the past year. Let's pour it out and just take the lessons so we won't commit the same error again this coming year. I'm a fast learner you see:)
1. Pointing fingers just point those 3 fingers back to the accuser.
Now I totally understood why I am being accused of bribing, making up stories and most especially pulling out my wallet. (haha, I don't even have a wallet). The universe has a way of bringing back those people who knows. Funny coz they appeared one at a time, each at the right place and time. Thank you guys.
And just recently, I was accused of pretending to be someone in FB and sending a PM about asking to put down malicious posts about me. I'm a transparent person so pretending will never be in my list of favorite activities. I think these people will never really comprehend unless they open their hearts and mind. And yes, it just goes back to: pointing fingers just point those 3 fingers back to the accuser.
2. My payroll goes directly to my kids' bank accounts so I have to do online transfer each time I need to pay bills. I don't bring my ATM at work, only daily allowance for my fare (P100-200 a day) coz this prevents me from buying food outside. I bring lunch to save more. My phone is an old Nokia model 2300 series I think (haha, I'm not even sure). My new clothes and shoes were all sponsored by the sisters. Now I get to use my old clothes because I've lost weight. I'm still paying an emergency loan for my kid's tuition fees. The kid's budget for food is stretched because they love to eat and they are boys:p. I shoulder house bills and all my kids' expenses. Bottomline? I don't have enough cash to buy stuffs for myself, (not my passion either) let alone spend for someone not related to me. Now I learned that if I can't lower down expenses, I have to increase my sources. Time to accept online writing gigs again while baking and selling goodies on the side.
3. Comprehension gets all blurry when the heart is full of negative emotions. I always choose my words when speaking or even writing. I was brought up that way. I believe that you can never take back words you've said. You'll just regret later on because what comes out of the mouth clearly reflects what's inside of you and what you are in times of struggle and height of emotions. Your way with words totally defines you. I'm careful with the words my kids hear and read because parents are supposed to be good example of their kids. The reader, albeit the article was written in clear simple words will always choose how they want to interpret the message even if the picture (not literally) is very clear. Now like the bible where people have different interpretations as they receive the message, you'll just have to trust that whatever message they choose to get, serve its purpose.
4. I learned that it's easier to accept the fact that somebody lied to me and made me believed that the effort and love they are showing are true. It happens. We can always forgive ourselves for believing it too. What I realized is that being used as an escapegoat for something I'm not aware of and being the subject of made up lies is really unforgivable. Betrayal is already something but having no balls to admit one's fault and using others to cover up or save face is too much already.
5. People may call you names, degrade you, demoralize you or even test your faith. They would even send you text mesages using different numbers and pretend they are someone else. Don't mind the mediocre things they do. Just continue to strive harder to do the right thing. Go back to the right path and continue living according to God's will. Remember that saints have been trough tortures worst than we do but they held on to their faith. Not that I'm claiming to be a saint (disclaimer). But leaving the past sins behind and starting anew is far better than lingering on it. Remember that all these sacrifices are for the Lord who is the sole source of all the happiness we get here on earth. I learned that taking the right path is far better than dwelling on mistakes. I'm already near you JC, is this my final test?
A name is just a name. What's important is that at the end of the day, whatever name you have been Christened with, the most important question is: Have you served the Lord today? Have you done your purpose? Did you use His blessings to bless other people? I learned that the stain people try to put on your name is not important in the eyes of the Lord. You are what's important to Him.
6. If you don't feel like you're into it from the very start, STOP! Not all projects are meant to be finished. Project Preacher was unsuccessful because I did not give enough attention to it. I thought it just needed a little reminder. I was lost in the distractions and facade. JC terminated the project before I got drowned on it. Thank you.
Someone texted me this: "It's not true that when you are single, you are free from pain. Actually it's more painful because being single while loving somebody who can never be yours is an endless torture." I guess this is true not only for singles who's life revolves only around one person but also for those in a relationship where you are just an option. I cannot relate because when I decided to be single, I have detached myself completely from any of my past. I bravely went through all the stages of letting go. I'm a cancerian. I hide in my shell for sometime then goes out renewed. This resulted to an empowered me. I focused on my responsibilities as a mom and reflected on what I wanted to achieve. I am just like my mom. We don't dwell on our past, instead we move on to what's better. It's just a matter of deciding whether to make that choice or just stay where you are. Believe me, there's more to life than being in misery.
7. If God put you through it, He will be the one to pull you through it. I asked that person to read that controversial letter in an orange envelope at home and that I wanted to be alone this time.
" I was in it for the fun part initially but you eventually convinced me to give it a try. I did give it a shot. As you said there's nothing to lose, I'll just be loved. Guess what? I may have not lost anything but I don't really feel loved at all. Instead, I felt confused and hurt all at the same time. I'm confused because you've changed."
"....I don't want to hurt you or keep you holding on."
While he stayed in our fave place, I remember going straight to church after I gave that goodbye letter. I've asked guidance and strength to be firm this time. I don't want to be in that kind of relationship where love is not the real core of it. I don't feel loved because that's not the kind of love I had in my heart. I felt it's becoming worldly, sinful and out of focus. I'm getting dragged out of the right direction. That is not my definition of Love. Besides, my heart longs for something else. I learned that whatever you asked from God, if it is for good, He will answer you right away. He saved me that same week when I got nearly lost track again.
8. Stick to your standards. JC always humour me when it comes to my preferences. I've been praying for Mr. blue eyes, but I'm not asking for it to happen soon. I'm still busy planting seeds of faith for my financial freedom. I'm looking at 10 more years coz by that time the boys are all big enough for me to travel anywhere. A travel buddy and a musician with dazzling blue eyes (seriously!) would be perfect. And since I'm used to negotiating with my kids through choices, that's what JC used on me. It was like: I'm giving you a Japanese, right now, just here close to you but he's a real work in progress or if you still want the blue eyed travelling buddy, you have to wait 10 years. Curiosity killed the cat. I was challenged with the project because of the preacher thing. I thought I'm heading to spiritual enlightenment but I almost got killed instead. EQ tested and almost failed. Gotcha! Lesson learned: Stick to your standards, patience always reap great rewards.
9. I learned not to ignore those little signs that makes you stop and think. I had those episodes where everything just all came back to me. Those moments where I shrug off those little signs of warning waiting to be noticed. Thank God I've got boys. I fear that if I had a daughter I'll be more careful and watchful. I wouldn't want her to be near anyone who doesn't know how to respect women. It might just be the greatest mistake I'll ever have. I only learned recently that a pattern is happening and those involved are the same people. One who takes advantage, the one who never learned and a confused victim. They were even introduced to each other after. Bless these people. Remember those stories used against me? My friend is bound to experience that same dilemna. That is, if discovered.
10. Pen is mightier than the sword. Our national hero is a classic example. Truth written will always be way better than lies spoken. I'm not spontaneous because I choose my words well. I'm very softspoken. I refrain from saying words that can hurt. I can be fierce but I don't want to take back words coz the pain it can cause can't be taken back. So I choose to say only the truth. It will hurt like hell (as described by others who always experience it but never learned) but it will give you the strength if you take it as a learning experience. Funny how some people equate telling the Truth as "paninira" when the root cause of all are the lies and made up stories being fed by that person. I learned that it's never a good idea to argue with a person who personally admitted being low in moral values.
11. I learned that what I'm going through is incomparable with what others are experiencing right now. People can always choose to lie and hurt others. They can choose to live in misery for all they want. These are things we don't have control of. But we can always choose to do worthwhile things instead. So to drown all those negative vibes I turned all my energy in helping out with the recent CDO help campaign of my friends and spent Christmas day with kids who are afflicted with cancer. Time well spent.
There. I'm now looking forward to 2012. I'm not sure what struggles I'm going to face this time but I'm pretty sure it's going to be easy. I hope:)
Happy New Year everyone!
Have you already decluttered for real?